The path to fat.

I've always been fat.

I mean like ever since I could remember I've had people tell me that I'm fat.  In high school that all came to a roaring halt once I set anger in the way and beat some poor girl's face to a pulp. 
I followed the typical fat girl path.  I dated guys that were mean to me, substituted sex for love, and built a high and hard wall of emotional protection to gird off anyone that could potentiality harm me.  I adopted this persona of "I don't give a damn" and lugged it around with me my whole life. (Hell, its still there)

But deep down I've always been the "fat girl."  I've cried while clothes shopping. clutching that pair of jeans to my chest begging the number to move down.  I've swam in t-shirts, (Like that fools anyone).  I've kept the lights off during those times when the clothes fall off.  And the #1 fat girl move....

Drum roll please...  I've accentuated my big boobs to draw attention away from its likewise counterpart, the belly.

Emotionally I've been torn between depression and rage.  I'd stuff it all into a deep dark corner of myself and ignore it.  Then I would console these feelings with a big ass order of fries and some cheesecake.

I'm starting to realize that although I've found a happier part of my life where I feel more fulfilled, I've still got the after affects of 23 years of hatred and anger laying on top of me.

And IT NEEDS TO GO.

I desperately need to love myself and I intend to start now.